~ no more tears...

well, the proverbial kind anyway, not the real kind, there be enough of them in the distant future... and not so distant as well

Today...
ah, heck..
oh! yea, the test? got a 6 on it (42 1/2 points of 45 possible)

started a new module today, its geometry (we like geometry, precious.. even the mothersess likses it ^_^)
new stuff to learn, we had about pi!! (does geekagasm dance)
huhuhu, pi X]~~
anyway,

my shibby teacher isn't my shibby teacher anymore.. she got married just a little while ago,
and now she's pregnant.

Should wish her luck and be on my merry way like nothing happened, shouldn't I?

yes... its just that...
I've been here before.. not once, not twice.. this is the third time,
someone I depend upon.. this has happened..
I should have known it really, not to start believing I'm going to get it easy, that after all this I'll get it.. easy

me? about me? how the HELL is this about me you ask?
I'm glad you did...

my first contact/baby-sitter etcerta person (well not my first, my second, technically, but that's a story for not now) was my only person outside mom to do things with
did all sorts of things with her.. everything
she and her long-time fiancee, where like an aunt and uncle, or something, imagine, from 5 to 13 years old Nasasie, no real friends, outside adults that is..
they married one day.. and I was shipped off to Statens Senter (nothe story for another time)
and any precious weekends I had left of freedom, I wanted to spend with my mom (naturally)
so we lost touch...
Imagine, I was in this woman's home, in this woman's life, in her fiancees life, every other weekend or so for.. 8 years straight...
didn't get an invite to their wedding..
Well.. I was just her work, after all..

second, was ordained through social services thingummy,
she turned to be my closest thing to a REAL friend..
and I assure you, the feeling was mutual.

She told me all sorts of things, personal ones, thisngs s-she n-nev-er told anyone el-s-se...
eh..
after... oh.. how long was it now mom?
okay, so things had been scurirng between us, and there was things that I really didn't like about her...
ever.. but
she was the first real, real, real person, that had bothered with me, besides mom
she.. was married when I met her, had a girl from a previous relationship.. everything was honkeydory
I even got a JOB in the shop of her husbands BROTHER for crying out loud!

but... ::shifts eyes to the ground::
after a while, she go pregnant (no big problem right?)
and I will hand it to her, she stayed fatefully by my side as a friend and helping hand throught far in her trimester, pelvic dysfunction and all
but after?.. she of course had her birth permissions, I mean, of course!
but I never really saw her after that...
and I lost the job, it moved and she divorced her husband..

this new school has been a blessing, I made a vow, you know, a secret one, that I'll die trying. I'll try until I succeed (withc is unli-kley) or die trying
(it's something... worh. d-dying for)

I WILL..

see, I need special help, I need that, I wouldn't be able to do anything with out a personal assistant that can explain the things I don't understand, and help calm my mind when I need it.

this is my teacher's job, I need her, if I'm going to be able to fulfil my dream...
all my life..
all I do

I am really that pathetic.. no really, I have problems.. but there are people with far worse problems and disabilities..
and they do it.. because they have to

my mother... is one
several of you on my friends list... (I'm not going to name names, I *have* as much social intelligence to understand why that is a *bad* idea)

but all my life, I have been such a wuzz, a coward, there has been a pillow surrounding me and protected me against everything, cushioning me from the worlds harsh reality..

no mom, not complaining at you at all, It was most likely the smart thing to do.. considering my illnesses.
But now is the time for me to seriously start growing up

yes.. my teacher? my assistant, that explains things just right so I do understand them?

guess. three. times..

the worst part is, how I'm feeling..
I have no right, no right at all, to feel anything but commemoration at her, and I *do*
really! I wish her all the BEST in the world, (I've known some pregnant people in my life) and she is the first one who truly deserves some happiness
happiness. she is a truly wonderful person, a beautiful person ._____,

well, its not all disaster (see the sarcasm) she is going to stay on until February (still have some time left before ground zero)
and they are "going to find another assistant/teacher"
(this will not work, I know myself asmuch)

but.. well
I will not give up, I know its what the system, god, powers that be, whatever, the system wants me to
it feels like that so shut up.
I wont give up, I've had some mayor personal victories and breakthroughs the past year, (yes, its been a *year* wtf, wow o_O)
sexual identification, friendships, education.. (okay I *still* am nowhere near a real kind of relationship, platonic or otherwise, and I still don't know *what* I am, but)

and this past year I've said it like 2-3 times already, but.. I'm serious this time..
no more helplessness

I WILL DO IT OR DIE TRYING OH SO FREAKING HELP ME

Naruto did it and mom did it and dd did it and everybody's doing it, everyday (I know I'm mixing fictional characters and real people, shut up)
I will..

I know, someday none I know here will care either.. and, If I'm LUCKY, two or three people will respond to this... (and I should stop caring that people don't) but I'm fed up with myself
Nasa..
no..

CARITA

Grow. Up. Now.

(with 'grow up' I don't mean 'become an adult' adults are boring, I mean, take care of yourself in such a way you can atleast manage your own life when your sick, sick, very sick mother passes away)

Tomorrow is a new day and all that shite

don't try stopping me, girl, I wont allow it anymore

no more tears, shut the fuck up and deal with every little bagatelle that has you in tears
its only a fly its only some catpuke its only a broken thing
its only.. its fixable

this is the beginning of a story. The story of the girl who went to school one day, and came back as a Woman.











remind me of this post next time I start crying